Textual Intercourse

So Much for Thinking

snowfoxx — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:17:20 +0000

So much for thinking I was okay.

I spent a lot of time thinking this afternoon. Too much time I think… It started innocently enough, music, books, work… my mind took a long and meandering path then suddenly that path turned to thoughts of him. Thoughts of how he said my name, how his arms felt around me, his smell, the way it felt to be cuddled up against him. All of a sudden the hurt came back and I couldn’t stop the tears and no matter how hard I clutched at my chest I couldn’t help feeling like my heart was breaking all over again.

I wonder if I am doomed. People tell me all the time it just means there is something better for me out there. Whatever “better” is must be fucking amazing for all the shit I have been through lately.

I am torturing myself, wondering if the things I am seeing are going to lead to where I think they will. I am being cryptic on purpose, the details are unimportant to anyone but me… well and I doubt anyone but me really cares anyway. I am waiting for something, and I think when that something happens it is going to tear me apart.

~m~

Wind, Music and a Pumpkin

snowfoxx — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 06:17:08 +0000

I spent most of today in a bubble of warmth that is the cab of my truck. The sun was shining, sky was blue and to the casual observer it looked like a warm wonderful day. Looks can be deceiving. Each time I had to get out of my truck the wind buffeted me with merciless cold, sending sparse amounts of snow needling against my unprotected face and ears, far more substantial than the illusion of spirits drifting across the open space one would assume they were seeing if they had never seen drifting snow before.

That being said, it was overall an ok day.

I am working on cleaning up and organizing my music. It is frustrating to say the least. I purchased a program to help me with this task and so far it has proven disappointing. I will take some more time when I am not so tired and work weary to play with it some more. I suppose if it just doesn’t work I can request a refund. This task is really nothing more than me trying to occupy myself in my free time. Still too much time to think about things I would rather not think about.

Another item of note… this is my last post as a 32 year old. At midnight I will get older… or turn into a pumpkin. Stay tuned.

~m~

A Refreshing Conclusion

snowfoxx — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 05:17:35 +0000

“I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything.
I’ve always been a freak.
So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know.
I’m one of those people. “
~John Lennon~

I was looking for quotes today, to change the one on my FL profile. The one I have is poignant and speaks to me, but it also speaks of love and being in love. Right now love hurts.

This is all beside the point.

I stumbled across the above quote by John Lennon and it resonated with me because of some decisions I have made in my life. I am weird, on the fringe, kinky, submissive, masochistic, bisexual and I am okay with that. Those are only parts of me, but they are parts of me and if someone wants to know me and be close to me they need to be okay with those parts too.

It is refreshing to have come to that conclusion.

~m~

Ghost

snowfoxx — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:34:46 +0000

Ghost – Ingrid Michaelson

~m~

If a Girl Screams in the Night

snowfoxx — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 08:59:56 +0000

Fuck my dreams!!

I am so tired of waking up in the dead of night screaming at things that are not there, or crying uncontrollably because of, well, things that are not there. I went to bed relatively early only to be woken up by nightmares so terrifying I left my bed and am now sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket fighting not to go back to sleep.

I know stress is a factor, a big one… losing him isn’t helping either. I still call out to him sometimes, reach my hand out searching.

I should try to go back to sleep in case there is work to be done tomorrow, but there are always 5 hour energy drinks to keep me going right?

If a girl screams in the night and there is no one around to hear her, does it even matter?

~m~

Yeah, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have

snowfoxx — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 02:55:56 +0000

So I did something tonight and it was well thought out and I think it was okay but then again maybe I shouldn’t have. I am not going to elaborate, no reason to… not here.

GRRRRR

I’ll be back later.

~m~

Hope Breaks Hearts

snowfoxx — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 07:18:08 +0000

It looks to be a busy weekend, and continue to be busy into next week.

I have a job to do in about 6 hours, then attending a munch as mentioned before. Sunday I am driving to Denver for another job going somewhere in California. Busy is good, busy makes me get out of bed and do something with my day, busy keeps me from thinking too much about things I shouldn’t think about.

I keep holding onto this idea of hope, but I have learned hope is dangerous, hope breaks hearts.

There is so much I don’t know, so many questions I want to ask but I am afraid to ask them because I think I won’t like the answers. I create all kinds of scenarios in my head about the way things could be and spend a lot of my time in the land of if/then… That is another treacherous place.

Anyone know a good lobotomist?

~m~

It Hurts and I Don’t Like It

snowfoxx — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 07:11:13 +0000

It is no secret that I don’t sleep well. It has been a running theme through this blog… the reasons are varied but it all boils down to insomnia. Rarely have I ever been tired and wanted to sleep but kept myself awake on purpose but that has been my pattern as of late. I keep myself up on FL, stumbleupon, reading, listening to music, really anything to avoid going to bed. I am avoiding my dreams, my dreams hurt lately and I don’t like them.

Along with the insomnia I have been losing my food again. Nothing seems to stay down…

I remain confused, sometimes angry and most of the time sad. I want to be his precious, his treasure, his adored… I was those things once. Will I ever be that again?

~m~

A Bunch of Not Much

snowfoxx — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:47:34 +0000

What can I say about today… not much actually.

I am going to go to a munch on Saturday, specifically for kinky photographers and models. I am more interested in learning about the photography and getting input from the experienced than I am interested in the kinky aspect. I have made a few resolutions for the new year, the biggest one being make choices for a healthier lifestyle. I refuse to say I am going to lose weight or exercise more because that is a recipe for failure.

Blah, how boring can I be…

*sighs*

~m~

At Least I Have This…

snowfoxx — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:23:37 +0000

I have a pillow that smells like him.. I want to cuddle up to it at night, but if I do that it won’t smell like him anymore. There is so much more I would say about this but I don’t think I will say it here. It is too close and too private and it belongs in my journal… It isn’t much, but at least I have this pillow.

~m~